Aug. 29th, 2010

clumsy_optimist: (Sleepy)
Why can't I sleep during stress?

Okay, that's a dumb question. A better question is: why don't I ever exhibit signs of stress during the day? Don't people have nervous ticks or... at least feel like resolving the problem??

Why can't I remember how much I regret it when I fail to perform a simple task, am reprimanded for it, and know that it's a result of me avoiding things? I never remember this, I just keep on escaping the issue at hand and intentionally distracting myself.

And then assume that everything is going to be fine because people are just used to me doing this. Like a child. I wonder if people stopped seeing me as a child, I'll stop acting like one.

But that's completely backwards, and I know it.


It's also amazing how writing that down just lifted it off my shoulders, and how ridiculously depressed I sound compared to how I feel while writing this part. But, you know, I should leave it there. Because then maybe I'll remember. Because I know I'm cut out for my job. I have to be, staying here for so long. And I couldn't live with myself if I did anything else. I love knowing that I'm contributing to society and the safety of others, and remembering this always brings me out of these lapses in confidence, because the fact that I have this job to begin with means that I am not simply taking up space and bothering people.

I am sick of soba, though. Can't a working man eat something other than noodles and grilled meat??

Solution: I need someone to make me pretty bentos.

I should get on that.

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clumsy_optimist

March 2011

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